Dear NC Dept. Of Education: It Only Takes A Year Of Teaching In NC To Kill A Desire To Make It A Career

 Dear Lit Loves,

I see from recent subject matter on my local television station that Tom Tomlinson, Senior Director of North Carolina's Department of Public Instruction's Office of Educator Preparation and Licensure, wants to know why we have first year teachers in NC leaving in droves.  Ten thousand teachers left the classrooms of North Carolina in 2023.  This is the highest amount in two decades and it runs across every subject matter.  And you want to know why they are leaving?  Get in the trenches with them and discover why.  For that matter, read my book, Brave Soul Rising:  Tales From The Trenches of An Uncharmed Life written under my pen name, Grace Sutherlin. In case that does not help in understanding why teachers are leaving, I will go ahead and list why this North Carolina educator gave up on teaching publicly and privately in the state of North Carolina:

 1) Teacher Pay Is A Joke.

 2) Lack of basic school security measures.

 3) Overwhelming extra demands on my time.

 4) Teacher Morale Is Low.

 5) Honestly, who wants to risk getting shot while on the job?

 6) Principals who cannot address delinquent student behavior for two weeks.

 7) Having to eat lunch with a room full of students.

 8) Number of credits needed for continued teacher licensure.

 9) No Bonus Money If Your Students Perform At A High Level On Tests.

10) Lack of instructional materials for every student and teacher supplies.

11) School buildings falling apart and potentially exposing staff to  harmful substances.                                                    

12) Lack of cleanliness inside and around the school.

13) Gangs entering school buildings and cafeterias illegally.

14) Serious lack of mentorship:  the only time I interacted with my teaching mentor came when I was being evaluated on my instructional methods.

15) My car getting keyed while parked on a school campus.

16) Students not getting to school due to transportation issues.

17) Apathetic parents and guardians.

18) Principals who forget what it is like to be in the classroom.

19) I can start in another career choice at a salary in the range of six figures.

20) Lack of respect.

21) Having to request someone to cover my classes in order to visit the restroom.

Is this enough for you Mr. Tomlinson? Oh, if you think virtual instruction is the answer to the NC teacher retention problem, I also have swamp land you can buy down in Florida, ya hear?!  

                Best,

                Amy R. Schmukler also known as Grace Sutherlin (pen name).                                                                                                                                     

              

           

                 

                                     

Review: The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters during Life's Final Moments by Hadley Vlahos, RN

 Dear Lit Loves,

Greetings!  And I am finally returning to review a recently released memoir written by a hospice nurse entitled The In-Between:  Unforgettable Encounters during Life's Final Moments by Hadley Vlahos.  So why did I select this book to read:  I recently lost my mother to stage four esophageal cancer adenocarcinoma.  Mom moved in with me and my brother as the local hospice facilities had no beds available.

I do not know if I could ever take on the career of a hospice nurse.  To me, hospice nurses have to change their schedules at a moment's notice should one of their home-bound patients have an emergency.  Also, I hate meeting people under circumstances in which one of their beloved is knocking at death's door.  I have to commend Hadley Vlahos for her career efforts as she handles the job requirements and raises a son as a single mom.  

No one really likes to talk about death until BOOM!  It is staring you in the face and you do not have a choice.  Thanks to the hospice nurses that took care of my mom, I now know that even if a loved one chooses to die at home, there is always a transitioning phase for those dying.  For my mom, it was when she started to lose control of bodily functions and there came a point where even if I was speaking directly to her, there was a mystical haze in her eyes.  

Interestingly, those who are in the active phase of dying often are "seeing" loved ones or people who have already died before them.  Seriously,  my brother and I witnessed this with our dad at the hospital.  Right out of the blue one evening, dad started speaking to his younger brother, John, who according to dad was right beside his hospital bed.  Dad carried on a full conversation with his brother.  I just listened.

There also came a point when I witnessed my dad bargaining with God.  Dad really wanted to remain here with us, enjoy retirement, and ensure his youngest physically and mentally disabled sister was well-cared for through her lifespan.  Additionally, I have also witnessed what Hadley Vlahos speaks about when she says people who are actively dying can often predict something that will happen in the near future.  For example, one day I arrived at my dad's hospital room and he quite clearly directed me to go locate and secure a lot more chairs for the hospital room.  He said, "There are a lot of people coming and we need to be ready."  I kept asking him who was coming and he said, "Family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers, etc."  It was a week later that dad died and our church was filled to the rafters and sure enough, ushers had to go find additional chairs.  

Does everyone residing with or at a hospice die at peace?  Mostly, but not all do.  My dad simply drifted away while we were in his hospice room.  In other examples, Nurse Vlahos witnesses someone under her care who basically "bleeds out" when dying.  My own mom was always trying to find a way to sit or lie in order to feel comfortable.  And trust me, it is very difficult as a family member to administer pain meds to your own mother.  No one has to spell it out for you:  those meds are to assist with the pain during the active dying process.  Is their a death rattle at the end of life:  Yes, but not all patients exhibit it.  My dad's death involved labored breathing and an eerie death rattle.  My mom just appeared at peace in her final moments almost as if she had just decided to lie down and take a nap.

I think one of the most important aspects in the book is that no one die alone.  Hearing is the last sense to go.  You can talk to the dying person and they quite possibly can hear you, but may not be able to respond to you.  Nurse Vlahos knows eventually she will lose each of her patients.  Until then, she visits with them, learns from them, advises them, and assists the rest of the family with processing the death.  

One of the most poignant moments in the book is when Nurse Vlahos is assigned to care for a patient who is homeless.  He lives in a tent under a highway or bridge along with other homeless folks.  It was touching to know that Nurse Vlahos went out of her way to help this man obtain food, medicine, and even someone who could contact her should this hospice patient need her.  Trust me, it is a privilege to be present with someone as they are leaving this world for whatever is next.  And when you lose your final parent, I can tell you with absolute certainty, you life will be forever changed.  And with that kind of change, a son or daughter will grieve at their own pace and in their own way.  

I highly recommend this book especially for readers who do not know of hospice or those who have told me they are frightened of hospice.  These are the folks who are the specialists.  They deal with death each day and continue to help folks who are transitioning from this life to whatever you believe comes next.  

Till my next review,

Grace (Amy)

Review: Go As A River: A Novel by Shelley Read

 Dear Lit Loves,

April's selection for the book club I belong to is Go As A River:  A Novel by Shelley Read.  Let me just say from the outset that it is based on a young woman who grows up on a peach farm in Iola, Colorado.  Iola, Colorado in this book, is a real place in Gunnison County, CO.  And the town was flooded to make way for the Blue Mesa Reservoir.  Interestingly, now that this part of Colorado is currently experiencing significant drought, the town of Iola, CO can once again be seen or remnants of it at least.

This is a sweeping book centered around Victoria Nash, a seventeen year old young woman, who resides on a peach farm in Iola, Colorado with her father and brother, Seth.  Her mom, an aunt, and a cousin died when she was twelve in an accident.  It shook the family to lose so many at one time.  Now, Victoria has basically become the caretaker of the home, garden, and family.  

When Victoria meets Wilson Moon by happenstance in town one day, she realizes quickly that he is a Native American and unlike her, he makes his home wherever he goes.  The folks in Iola, CO do not particularly care for Wilson Moon mainly due to prejudice and surely not because anyone other than Victoria has taken the time to get to know him.  Victoria grew up helping her family raise peaches on their orchard.   A rather interesting woman named Ruby Alice Akers lives near them, but most people are scared of her because she lives alone and rarely speaks to anyone.  Interestingly, she becomes one of the characters I most liked in the book!  

When Victoria decides to take off in search of Wilson Moon, she finds him and then also finds herself in a predicament whereby she has to decide whether to bring shame upon her family or leave and live on her own for several months.  In the meantime, Wilson Moon is killed and Victoria's brother, Seth seems to know quite a bit about how it happened.  There is really no full scale investigation into the death and who is responsible. 

Victoria finds herself living in a camping hut in the mountains, giving birth to a son, and trying to keep her baby and herself alive.  Eventually, Victoria becomes desperate and makes a decision that impacts her life and that of her baby forever.  And the remainder of the book basically is a rendering of what happens to Victoria, her baby, her remaining family, and the peach farm.

There were times I had to put this book down and just stop reading.  Some of the events were difficult to read about and periodically the book became emotionally overwhelming.  Generally, that is the sign of a good author.  A lot of readers pointed out the themes in the book as being the concept of "home" and can you really ever go back "home"?  Others pointed to the concept of displacement due to the uprooting of many families once Iola, CO was to become a reservoir.  The topic of prejudice is front and center in this book. 

Personally, I thought the book showcased the impact and significance of daily decisions as well as monumental decisions.  Decisions have consequences and in this book several major decisions effect the life trajectory of Victoria and her son along with a family who finds Victoria's son and decides to raise him as their own.  The ending of the book is heartbreaking.  And for me there were questions that are left unanswered at the conclusion of the book so if you like a tidy ending to a novel, this is not a book where that occurs.  

I gave the book four stars out of five.  I am not a reader who likes a lot of poetic, frilly description. This author paints a portrait for you in terms of the landscape and people. For many readers that is what makes a book beautiful for them.  For me, it is the content and plot of the story that either make or break the book for me.   And right in the middle of this book, when Victoria is moving to a new town and having her family's peach trees transplanted to a new farm, I just felt there was a lull in the plot. Otherwise, this book proved to be a much better read than I was expecting.

I would definitely recommend this book.  Be aware that there are triggers in this book particularly around death, prejudice, and war.  

Til my next review,

Grace (Amy) 

Review: The Last Carolina Girl: A Novel by Meagan Church

 Dear Lit Loves,

Okay beautiful people, I have an excellent book I am reviewing today and up until now, I had never heard of this book.  This just goes to show you that if you happen to be on Amazon and are buying a book, take a look at the "similar reads" suggestions once you scroll through the book you are currently buying. That is exactly how I located The Last Carolina Girl, a novel, by Meagan Church.  

Meagan Church is a Midwesterner by birth and achieved an undergraduate degree in English from Indiana University.  Currently, Ms. Church resides here in my native state, North Carolina.  Wonder why it is that so many Midwesterners appear to love North Carolina?  Seriously.  I married a Midwesterner from Illinois and am constantly meeting people from that area of the country.  Interestingly, on our local news this week, it was reported that only fifty-two percent of people who reside in the state of North Carolina were actually born here.  Native North Carolinians are becoming rare.  

The Last Carolina Girl, a novel, grabbed my attention because it is a story about a fourteen-year-old girl named Leah Payne who resides with her dad near Holden Beach, N.C.  Leah's mom died while giving birth to Leah.  It is just Leah and her dad residing in a small house behind the home of Mr. and Mrs. Barna.  Mr. Barna is a local business owner and he employs Leah's dad to help with his local store and his land.  Mr. and Mrs. Barna have a son named Jesse who walks to school with Leah each day.  And there is Tulla, who takes on the role of primary caretaker of the household.  

One day Leah is blinded by adverse news regarding her father and the Barnas let her stay with them until the state can find a home for Leah.  Interestingly, during Leah's brief stay with the Barnas, Leah and Jesse become good friends.  Jesse goes with Leah to visit her mother's grave and adorn it with shells from the beach.  Each year when Leah had a birthday, her father and she would always plant a tree in honor of her mother.  When Leah learns the state of North Carolina has found a new home for her, Mr. Barna and she travel to Matthews, N.C. to meet the Griffin family.  

The Griffin family is composed of Mr. and Mrs. Griffin and three kids, Eva Jane, Michael Henry, and Mary Anne.  Leah has anxiety about meeting her new family.  Mr. Barna heads back to Holden Beach, N.C. and Leah gets truly worried when Mrs. Griffin shows her to her room which is outside the house and described as a closet off the main kitchen.  There is only enough room for a bed and a mattress.  When Leah realizes the Griffins will not be referring to her as family, but as a "helpmate" for Mrs. Griffin, her hopes of finding a family are dashed.  Leah finds herself tasked with cooking, cleaning, styling hair, acting as a host, and keeping a garden outside.  She is seen among Mrs. Griffin's friends as the family servant.  At age fourteen, Leah no longer goes to school once she joins the Griffin family.

What Leah does not know is that there is more going on with The Griffin family than she knows, and there is a reason why she was sent to live with this particular family.  Leah finds herself helping Mrs. Griffin host teas and lectures by a local physician.  The truth about Leah's true relationship to the Griffin family is brought to life after a catastrophic medical event at which point Leah's life is changed forever and she just wishes to return to live with the Barna family as she has been exchanging letters with Jesse, the Barna's son, while she lives with the Griffins.  

What stood out to me about this story?  First, we all have a biological family of blood relations and then we have a family of our choice.  There is nothing we can do to change who we are related to via birth.  You might not like this aunt or that uncle.  And you like me have probably thought on more than one occasion, how in the heck am I and this cousin even related?  Leah's family includes her mom, dad, and other members she has not yet been told are actually a part of her biological family.  The Barna family including Jesse and Tulla I would say are Leah's family of choice.  She would rather reside with them and call them her "family".   It is quite apparent how the two families differ in this book and why the Barnas are her family of choice.

Next, Leah is a young girl who has spunk, hope, and spirit though she has already in her young life endured a whole lot of tragedy.  Leah loves living with just her father and the wayward cat named Maeve in a ramshackle house along the Carolina coast.  Leah even plants her own garden where she grows food for she and her dad.  The sad part is that it is actually someone who is part of her biological family that she does not know she is related to, who breaks her spirit of hope.  And it's always what I call bad "juju" to be someone who is responsible for breaking another individual's hope, spirit, and joy for life.  And what makes it more hurtful is if the spirit-breaker is someone you are biologically related to who should have your best interests at heart. (Not always the case.)

Finally, there was this effort, particularly in Southern states, to push what was dubbed by some medical specialists to be "Eugenics".   Eugenics refers to an effort by a group of like-minded people who think that individuals who are mentally disabled, handicapped, emotionally-challenged, and poor are also deemed "unfit".  Subsequently, some individuals who fit those characteristics were sterilized such that they could never procreate or produce children of their own.  And this is such a disastrous, heinous act in our history as a country.  It is like, "Who died and appointed this group of people better or more fit to then judge another person's suitability to have children of their own?!!"  Honestly, I think well over seven thousand people who fit these characteristics living in the state of North Carolina at the time were subsequently sterilized when Eugenics was deemed legitimate in the state of North Carolina.  What in heavens name were they thinking?  And why??

This is quite a touching story.  I would definitely read the study guide questions at the end of the book if this book is part of a book club selection.  It will make you think about who you consider your family of choice versus your biological family.  Were you ever a person who contributed to the belittlement of another person?  Do you think you or someone you know were ever responsible for breaking someone's spirit?  And what do you think about our country's history of Eugenics?  What did the concept of Eugenics say about our medical system and society at large during this part of U.S. history?

I highly recommend this book.  

Best,

Grace (Amy)

Book Review: Our Missing Hearts: A Novel by Celeste Ng

Dear Lit Loves,

Hi!  I am now trying to return to the normal events of my life such as my book club after spending the majority of 2023 losing my mother and helping to administer her estate.   

The book club I attend selected Our Missing Hearts by Celeste Ng.  Mrs. Ng is quite a popular author.  She attended college at Harvard and obtained her MFA from The University of Michigan.  Her previous books included the award-winning Little Fires Everywhere and Everything I Never Told You if my memory serves me correctly.  

Interestingly, Mrs. Ng usually writes literary fiction and in this novel, Our Missing Hearts, she writes in the Dystopian genre which I personally do not read.  Actually, this is the first book I have read in that genre as my preferred genre is non-celebrity memoir.  Dystopian is writing about a fictional society that is under duress of some kind based on the definition I located via a dictionary in my home office.  Interestingly, in this book it revolves around the United States having gone through an economic downturn due to the policies and economics of another country, in this case China.  As a result, a senator brings forth a policy called PACT or Preserving American Cultures and Traditions. 

PACT causes targeting of a specific ethnicity in the country.  And if the authorities deem that you in any way are unpatriotic or protesting against PACT, individuals and families can have their children removed or "replaced" into other homes deemed more wholesomely patriotic.  Obviously, this leads to protests, discrimination, separation of children from their parents, and a particular group of people in the United States being looked upon unfavorably.  And some individuals lose their lives due to protesting PACT.

Essentially, you have a mom (Margaret) and her husband, (Ethan), who have a son named (Noah Gardner).  Margaret is Chinese American and writes poetry.  Because many people protesting the concept of PACT utilize her poetry containing the line "Our Missing Hearts", she becomes the target of authorities who ban her books in libraries.  Because Margaret does not want to endanger her son, Noah, who she calls "Bird", she and Ethan decide it is best that she leave them so as not to create any danger to either of them, but particularly Noah (Bird).  

Margaret leaves the family and Ethan takes Noah to a new home where they live in a dorm on a university campus where Ethan works in the library.  Noah (Bird) is exposed to some of the demonstrations and protests against PACT, and he even has a friend in school named Sadie, who was taken from her biological parents and "replaced" in a home deemed more patriotic.  And then Sadie disappears.   Mostly, Noah's father tries to shield him from the protests, violence, and repercussions that are occurring due to PACT as well as the hatred directed at those of Chinese-American descent.

Meanwhile, librarians across the US are trying to help find missing children who have been "replaced" by leaving notes or helpful information in library books which are then recirculated to other libraries. When Margaret leaves the family, she goes to find one of her closest friends in New York named Duchess or "Domi".  Margaret sets out on a quest to tell the stories of the missing, "replaced" children.

Meanwhile, Noah (Bird) receives what he believes is a letter from his mom and without telling his dad, ventures to an address in the letter hoping to be reunited with his mom. He finds his mom's friend, Domi, who then reunites him briefly with his mom, Margaret.  And the stories of the "replaced" children gets heard by many in quite an unusual manner which then alters the lives of Ethan, Noah, Domi, and Ethan's lost friend, Sadie. (No giveaways about the ending).

From my research of reviews of this book, readers either loved it or weren't impressed by it.  There were a handful of reviewers that felt the book was okay but missing the prolific characterization skills Celeste Ng used in her previous books.  Now, I am not a fan of literary fiction.  I am not impressed by frilly, sing-song descriptions, and I like books that teach me or expose me to a reality that I can learn from.  Personally, I liked the book.  I did not think it was too long nor did I think I could not get a feel for each character.  And even with the lyrical prose I still finished the book.  Here's what stood out to me about the book:

1)  Discrimination.  The proliferation of discrimination against people of a certain ethnicity because their birth country caused our country great distress.  And what if a leader or leaders in our country tried to pass a law that would cause individuals to lose their children if they were deemed unpatriotic or if their writing, art, and career involved reporting on or showing both sides of how one policy adversely effects a specific group of people in our country?  It is scary to think about and I kept wondering throughout the book, who decides which folks are espousing unpatriotic sentiments so profusely that it warrants removing their children from them??  And what about if the PACT policy causes a group of people to be targeted as "less than" and then they are subsequently mistreated?  

2)  Parents.  This book demonstrated how far a parent is willing to go to protect their child or children.  Margaret decided to leave her family because her poetry was being used in ANTI-PACT demonstrations.  She just walked away on her own.  Other parents who were maybe covering PACT via the news expressing both the pros and cons of PACT would suddenly have their children removed from their home with no idea where their children are going.  The biological parents just know the child or children are being "replaced" to another home deemed more worthy because that family fully supports PACT and does not espouse unpatriotic or ideas against PACT.   Our country already has a long history of families being broken apart by slavery, boarding schools for Indigenous children, and foster care. What happens to parents and children when their biological family is disassembled? Will they ever recover from such an action?

3)  Power of One Person To Make A Difference.  The mother in this story, Margaret, decides to tell the stories of children who have been taken from their parents due to PACT.  She no longer has her family and many protesters of PACT have lost their lives demonstrating against it.  Many of those who express discontent against PACT use her poetry in their protests. Who will tell the country and world about that individual who lost his/her life for speaking out against PACT? Or who will even tell the story of a child or children who have been removed from their biological family and "replaced" with another family?  Margaret uses research, voice, and craftiness to honor those lost or "replaced" due to PACT by telling their stories.

Though I am most likely not going to suddenly become a fan of the Dystopian genre, this book made me think and consider the "what ifs" of laws implemented in our country due to policymakers and our government.  And it really makes me want to examine and know more about our government representatives before I vote to put them in office.

I would most definitely recommend this book particularly in this election year.

Best,

Grace (Amy)

Real Life Recollection: When A Pastor Refuses To Speak With Your Dying Mom

 Dear Lit Loves,

Greetings.  I do not have a book review ready to post today.  There is nothing in the world of publishing I want to rant or rave about.  If I did have something to say about publishing it is this:  why is it necessary for a writer/author to have thousands of followings on social media or be present on every form of social media in order to get published?  Some writers like me do not engage with social media because I view it as vain, intrusive, and it adversely affects my health.  No joke.  Some writers do not engage in social media because a relative works in a field whereby abstaining from social media is part of your job.

Interestingly, a relative of mine recently told me if I needed thousands of followers to land a literary agent or publishing deal, it would not be a problem.  My relative is so internet savvy he/she can make it look like I have more than the current eight followers and also show thousands of views of my blog.  I replied, "No, I am remaining truthful.  If Algonquin Books never recognizes the writer sitting in their backyard with many meaningful manuscripts on her computer, well, so be it."

No.  I'm not going there today.  What lays heavy on my heart is the upcoming one-year anniversary of witnessing my mother's death.  She was my last parent as I had already lost my dad in 2015 after a twelve-year battle with a rare cancer.  Riding with my brother on Monday of this week going to Winston-Salem to tie up another loose end regarding mom's estate, I admitted our mother's death was like a frying pan to our faces.  

This is how it went:  Mom was fine.  Mom thought she had pulled a muscle.  Then mom called me early one morning asking me to drive over to her house because she was in a great deal of pain and wanted me to go visit her primary physician with her.  We did.  Mom was sent for a CT scan.  I was with mom when her primary care doctor called to say mom had a tumor the size of an apple sitting at the bottom of her esophagus and pushing on her surrounding organs.  Next, we made a trip to a hospital ER.  Then mom was assigned an oncologist.  The oncologist wanted mom to have an endoscopy in order to biopsy the mass (tumor) seen on the imaging from the CT scan.  November 28th, 2022, mom, my brother, and I listened to the oncologist tell us mom had stage four, inoperable esophageal cancer.  It was the end of the day.  The oncologist was drumming his fingers on the desk at which he sat.

You could have heard a pin drop in the patient room at that moment.  My brother was with us via cell phone.  The oncologist did inform us of the treatment option that might give mom two more years with us.  And then mom asked the oncologist, "What if I opt for no treatment?"  The oncologist said, "If you opt for no treatment ma'am, I need to call in hospice ASAP."  Mom told the oncologist she would think about it and discuss it with my sibling and I in private.  Mom opted for no treatment.

My brother and I knew we could not keep running back and forth to our hometown to care for our mom.  So, we brought mom over to spend her remaining weeks with us as we live near one another.  In the beginning, mom was able to go back and forth between our homes so we could care for her.  I phoned the oncologist and asked for hospice help over in our area.  Hospice employees met with us at my dining room table.  We let them know our mom was insisting on her desire to go spend her final days in a hospice facility. She most likely did not wish for us to witness daily what was coming.  We were informed there was no available room at the hospice facility and the pandemic took a hit on hospice staffing levels so there were not even enough hospice caretakers if a room had become available.

My brother and I witnessed our mom lose her mobility:  mom went from using a cane, to a walker, and finally to a wheelchair in the span of two weeks.  We witnessed our mother no longer be able to eat and lose control of her bodily functions.  I tried to obtain the time of a pastor who had served at mom's church for well over a decade, but he recently chose to move to another church.  The new minister had only been on the job a little over five months.  I tried my darndest to track down my mom's former pastor so she could at least speak with him on the phone.  I kept leaving him phone messages.

At the end of that particular day, my brother and I were standing in line at CVS waiting to pick up pain meds hospice had prescribed for our mom.  I thought I heard my cell phone vibrate so I checked it to see if mom or my husband were trying to reach us.  No.  It was the pastor I had left a message for requesting him to call and speak with my mom as she was dying.  He had text me that he could no longer minister to anyone from my mom's church.  We would have to request the new minister at mom's church speak with her though that was not her request.  I think my heart dropped right out of my chest and is still lying somewhere on the floor near the CVS pharmacy where people have walked all over it by now.  I showed the text to my brother.  He read it and said, "It figures."

I knew that mom's previous pastor allegedly had encountered some friction with other members of mom's church.  I also knew that my mom was not one of those people.  She had attended that church with my dad for close to 48 years.  They gave offerings weekly to the church.  Mom led a women's circle at the church that helped provide holiday gifts and treats to a class at a low-income elementary school.  

When mom took her last breath, we were exhausted, drained, and traumatized.  I called the funeral home in our hometown where mom's body had been taken.  I informed the funeral home director that we needed a day to refuel our energy.  The day we did go to the funeral home, I took a new dress, undergarments, shoes, and accessories for my mom who would be buried in a casket as she did not wish to be cremated.  It was just my brother, me, my husband, and the funeral director.  I knew I had left word with mom's church about the day and time we would be at the funeral home and I would also call later with the day and time of her memorial service.    

We waited for about thirty minutes exchanging documents with the funeral director.  I was waiting for the new pastor to arrive to help us plan mom's graveside memorial service and offer spiritual support.  Finally, the funeral home director encouraged us to start the planning process with her help.  I remember saying to her I had not met the new minister at mom's church yet.  She informed us that she had not yet met him/her either.  And that is when it hit me:  there had been a number of deaths in the last five months at my mom's church and some of those church families had used the same funeral home. If the funeral director had never met the new pastor then he/she most likely was not present at the funeral home with those church families who had experienced the death of a loved one earlier than us.

We planned mom's graveside memorial service.  We secured flowers for the service.  We met with the director at the cemetery where our dad was already buried.  We drove two hours back to our respective residences.  The new pastor did call my brother that evening to speak with him about our mother as my brother was planning to speak at the memorial service.  Thank God for my mom's neighbors, friends, fellow church members, family, and business acquaintances that appeared for the small service.  Thank God for my brother's clients and friends and my friends who showed up for the service.  Their speeches along with my brother's made the service meaningful for us. They comforted us.

I did not want any other of mom's fellow church members, who happened to include people I knew and went to school with, encountering a pastor's refusal to speak with their dying loved one. Nor did I wish for another church family to not have spiritual support at a funeral home.  I intended to inform the leader of our faith about what transpired during and after mom's death.   I do not know if I will ever walk into another church again much less become a member after what occurred before and after my mother's death.  So, I wrote the religion's highest leader I could find to let him/her know of my concerns for others at mom's church who will lose their mother, father, aunt, cousin, brother, or sister in the future.  

Who knew a religion's Elder, Cardinal, President, or Bishop would answer their own email?  This religion's leader did reply to my email.  He/She said the response I would get depended on if it was a church that had recently disconnected from the main religion??  I wrote him/her an email explaining what my concerns were and my reasons for those concerns.  To this day, I have never received any further email responses from the religion's leader.

I do not think God abandoned my mom or family during her death. At times, it felt like it. I do know that before I will ever enter the halls of any church again, I want to know from the pastor how me and my family will be treated at the time of my death and afterward.  That is what I need to know first and foremost.  If a pastor can't be there when you are dying or offer support to your family after a loved one's death, what is the point??

Best,

Grace (Amy)

Review: End Of The Hour: A Therapist's Memoir by Meghan Riordan Jarvis

 Dear Lit Loves,

Happy 2024!  I am absolutely shocked at everything that has happened in my life in the last year.  When I look back on 2023, it just appears as a blur of activity and losses once my mom died at the beginning of 2023 from stage four esophageal cancer.  Maybe seven to eight weeks after diagnosis, my mom was gone.  No real time to begin to digest what was taking place much less comprehend how much trauma my sibling and I would navigate after losing our last parent who up till the end of her life, still resided in our childhood home of nearly 50 years.

On that note, it is most likely no surprise that Meghan Riordan Jarvis's book, End Of The Hour:  A Therapist's Memoir, caught my attention.  Essentially, the book is about what happens when a trauma therapist is overwhelmed by loss.  I tend to think therapists have it all together emotionally so I was intrigued that a therapist would write about the overwhelming loss of both parents within nearly a year of one another.  So, I took the plunge and read the book!

Unlike most editors and literary agents, I like memoirs that are written in a raw, gritty manner (aka tell it like it is).  I get turned off by memoirs written about difficult subjects that are heavy on frilly description and elevated prose.  Just shoot it to me straight as if we are having lunch together, you know?  I was not disappointed in this memoir because Meghan Riordan Jarvis does an excellent job of relaying the messy, turbulent wreckage that can happen to any of us after the death of a loved one.  

First, we see the author as a nine-year -old learning that a best friend's brother has suddenly died from drowning.  Her many siblings and adults go silent.  Meghan's mother gets the rosary.  The whole event stirs within Meghan a mix of anxiety and grief.  Why won't anyone mention or talk about the deceased brother again?  Why won't her best friend whose brother died talk about her brother and what happened to him?  It's like everyone is trying to tiptoe through a minefield.

Next, we learn that Meghan was one of many siblings and her father was often not at home during the week.  And while growing up, Meghan often wonders why her mother is crying at night?  As she advances in age, she realizes that as a child she internalized the art of minimizing your own needs in order to put others' needs first.  She uncovers the revelation that she still lives by the rules and beliefs set forth by her parents.

When Meghan's father is in the final stages of his life, she is often the one with him at the hospital.  She even takes down the names and contact information of who her father wants notified once he dies.  And it was extremely important that her father not die in a bland, sterilized hospital environment but rather at home on the Cape in his own bedroom with a view of the ocean.  Interestingly, Meghan's mom becomes the gatekeeper in terms of access to her father in his final weeks of life.  And then once her father passes, Meghan realizes her mother does not remember much of what happened the week her father died because the hippocampus, or part of the brain responsible for memory, malfunctions under stress leaving one with only fractured memories.

When Meghan's mom dies, she is stunned, disconcerted, and panicked.  Even after the funeral and Meghan's eulogy of her mother, she returns home to find herself still emotionally fragile.  She is so incredibly overwhelmed by loss she regurgitates on the return trip to her DC home from her parents' home on the Cape.  When she forces herself to attend her son's sixth grade open house, she appears fine until the teacher mentions how she and her mother went camping in Alaska over the summer.  The urge to scream sets in as she wonders why this teacher got more time with her mom than she did.  And when one of the other parents informs the teacher that she is distressed to learn that the subject of death was discussed during class on a previous day, Meghan has to leave.  What's the problem with talking about death?  Why do some parents demand their child not be privy to discussions of death? Why is the discussion of death so taboo? 

When Megan finds herself swimming at three in the morning, sitting in the shower with her cell phone, and trying to understand why her body is breaking down physically and mentally, it is her best friend who pulls the fire alarm.  Her best friend has the guts to say, "You need next level care."  Meghan puts her best friend on ice, but eventually realizes her best friend is right.  And yes, Meghan signs up for care at the very facility she recommends to her trauma patients in therapy.  

And the trauma treatment facility is where the author learns her anxiety may stem not from the fact that help was not available during childhood, but that she never learned to ask for help.  For three weeks Meghan works through her panic and anxiety regarding the loss of her parents via a host of therapists and activities along with an occasional field trip.  Here's the truth:  no one is coming to save you but you.  We don't really own anything except our memories which fade with time. Essentially, we all eventually will encounter the death of our nearest and dearest.  Grief is different for each individual.  It is up to us to learn to live without those we love and the places and traditions dearest to us.  It is we who must find the resolve to keep moving forward after a loved one's death even if it is only one baby step at a time.

I highly recommend this book to anyone experiencing traumatic, complex grief, to grief counselors, and to all grief support groups.

Till my next review,

Grace (Amy)

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