Dear Lit Loves,
Over the last two weeks I have been reading The Bruning Light of Two Starts: A Mother-Daughter Story by Laura Davis. Ms. Davis authored the bestselling book titled The Courage to Heal enlightening many men and women on ways to heal from the trauma of sexual abuse. I selected this book because Laura Daviss pecifically addresses trying to reconcile a relationship with her mother after periods of estrangement along with detailing how she juggled assisting in her mom's care as her mother spent her final years living near her and suffering from Alzheimer's Disease.
Honestly, I know very few people who have not experienced some sort of "broken" relationship with a family member. For Laura Davis, her struggle for reconciliation is with her mother who appears to not acknowledge that Laura's grandfather sexually abused her beginning around age three. I do not know why Laura's mom, Temme, could not accept or validate that what her daughter was telling her about her grandfather's behavior was true. There were definitely instances over a great period of time where Temme knew that inappropriate behavior on the part of her father did happen. Sometimes a person prefers to live in denial. Maybe she just could not bring herself to think of her father behaving in such an illicit manner. The stress of this matter brought friction and estrangement in the relationship between mother and daughter. And then Temme calls her daughter, Laura, to inform her that she believes she will take her up on her offer to live near her on the West coast for the final years of her life.
When Temme does move to the West coast, the reader witnesses Laura finding not just a place for her mother to live independently near her, but also to assist her mother in setting up her residence so that it closely resembles her previous home on the East coast. It's like walking a tightrope for Laura trying to assist in her mother's care while also being married, juggling a career, and raising kids of her own. As Temme continues to decline mentally and physically, we see mother and daughter at times make positive strides in their relationship while at other times, they both try one another's patience. Laura does have a brother who assists periodically in their mother's care, but the two of them are not tight knit siblings.
The one declaration Laura's mom makes clear as she continues to mentally deteriorate due to Alzheimer's is that when it is her time to go, she wants to go and not live as an invalid. Fortunately, this request is made in a written legal document which enables retirement centers, hospitals, rehabilitation homes, and assisted living centers to know what Temme's wishes are for the end of her life (aka.. she does not want extraneous procedures or surgeries to prolong her life). Throughout her mother's tenure living on her own near her daughter, having someone live with her, and finally, moving her mom to an assisted living center, I think mother and daughter come to appreciate one another's uniqueness and strengths. I think it gives them time to build a stronger bond than they have ever had throughout life. It's encouraging to see Temme realize and acknowledge that her daughter has gone above and beyond to take care of her and ensure her needs are met during the remaining years of her life. And I think Laura once again reconnects with her brother thanks to both of them committing to helping their mom as she struggles near the end of her life.
This is a book about family strife, estrangement, reconciliation, the trials and tribulations of watching an elderly parent decline in health, and a daughter's struggle to help her mom live with dignity while also having enough help to meet her basic daily needs. It has always been enlightening to me to learn how different people cope with their parent's aging and dying. And the single biggest task I hope to learn in a book such as this is how an adult child makes peace with a parent's death because for some of us, it is an ongoing struggle. Sometimes peace and reconciliation with a parent may not come during their lifetime; sometimes the certainty of knowing you did your best to help your parent at their greatest time of need is where you will find peace. I highly recommend this book.
Till my next review,
Grace (Amy)
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