Dear Lit Loves,
Hi! I'm back! Yes, after my last post there were people wondering if I would ever blog again, or quit writing and suddenly take up rodeo riding, or transition from my potential writing career to professional wrestling just so I could take on Ted Cruz! Obviously, I am blogging once again, I rather like trying to ride the mechanical bull in a club, and well, I am an avid professional wrestling fan (whoo-hoo Ric Flair) and if I ever take on Ted Cruz, well, my husband said his money is on me and I should disclose that my husband holds a black belt.
Yes, I'm still emotionally raw from my father dying recently. And I'm rather upset at the way his oncological care or lack thereof was handled, and I was informed by Duke University's Retina Department on Friday that my Uveitis (major eye inflammatory disease) is now not just residing in my right eye, but also the left eye too. Joy! Wonder if the Uveitic Glaucoma in my right eye will also take up inhabiting my left eye too?! Oh, the wonders of modern medicine! And I just want to add that I really wonder if doctors, surgeons, specialists etc. ever take any psychology or interpersonal communication/how to be humane classes during their many years of college? I WOULD HAPPILY VOLUNTEER TO TEACH THIS COURSE FOR ANY INSTITUTION WHO FEELS DOCTORS SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO ENGAGE WITH PATIENTS/PEOPLE IN A REPUTABLE, PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONABLE FASHION.
Now, allow me to get to the subject of this blog post: Querying. So many people ask me what this is. My routine answer is that it's when you are trying to secure a literary agent and you write them a pitch letter for your manuscript. You introduce yourself as a writer, pitch your book, and then list your accomplishments or "platform". The next question I get asked is, "What the hell is platform?" My short answer is: it means how many people know you? do you have a website, and how many social media sites can people (readers) go to on their phones or computers and find you? And finally I get asked, "But isn't it about the content of your book, your voice, the story, etc. etc." In a nutshell: maybe.
In the last four months I have queried various literary agents because to sell your book to a publisher, it is quite wise to have secured a literary agent who can negotiate for you. Well, I can tell you this: some literary agents will not respond to you or are going to willfully ignore you; some literary agents will respond to you politely and in an explanatory fashion even if they are rejecting you; and then some literary agents are rude, don't abide by their own rules for querying, and would not recognize the next bestseller or successful writer (see J.K. Rowling) if their own personal publishing fairy Godmother dropped down from heaven and smacked them over the head with an iPad containing your query, book proposal and manuscript. I'm serious people. It's brutal. Thank God I once taught in an inner city school as well as a private, religiously-oriented school. I have vast experience on the front lines of interacting with exasperating and non-compliant folks. Enough said.
Here, for your perusal are some of the responses I have received from literary agents I have queried in the last six months along with what my responses might have been if I had felt so inclined to respond:
1) "I don't think I am the right agent for you." (Well, why not? Are you too busy? Do you belong to The Tea Party? Do you dislike feminists? Are you leaving in the next six months for a better job?)
2) Okay, there are literary agents who I have queried and they have never responded. (I begin to wonder if they were involved in an accident, are on maternity leave, are too busy traveling, or have been advised to leave town immediately and take up residence in a witness protection program).
3) "Your project (aka book) is not right for my list." (I take this to sometimes mean they do not like the subject about which I'm writing, they are looking for the next Hunger Games and not a memoir, or maybe they just use it as an excuse so as to not hurt a writer's feelings.)
4) "Dear Author, Thank you for your query. Your work is well-written and very timely. I applaud you for sharing your experiences; however, you really should have 25,000 Twitter followers or no editor will even look at you." (So I write well, am a former English teacher, and have good content, but I am not a famous person; therefore, I am not worthy of representation. By the way, I feel Twitter is for those who are pompous, have a limited vocabulary, and like to fill up an enclosed stadium with their own individual hot air,)
5) "I didn't connect with the narration." (Maybe they do not understand southerners or southern lingo? Maybe they have never dealt with serious subject matter? Or even better, maybe they don't want to deal with/face the subject matter? It's about life and death people! Or trying to teach and connect with inner city school students! Or caring for aging parents! Or the strength of female friendships! Or God Forbid, it's about being diagnosed with,at the time, a rare disorder called Meniere's disease at age eighteen!)
6) "We do not feel sufficiently enthusiastic about your project (book). Please forgive the impersonal nature of this letter." (We don't like your subject matter or you and we will not even give you the time of day, understand?! Well, whoop-tee-do. I'll let you all go put on your Pollyanna dresses and continue prancing down Park Avenue!).
7) "Dear Author, we are not the right agency for you. Sincerely, Assistant #3" (We are a conservative literary agency. We do not wish to speak with you, sit near you, or waste our time reading your query. And dear author, you are not worthy of a response from a literary agent; therefore, we devalue you as we do our interns by not inserting or addressing you by name! Damn, this has definitely got to be "that time of the month" for this entire office of literary agents and assistants; therefore, thank God you didn't consider me for representation. I'm placing you all on the naughty mat and referring each and every one of you to Dr. Ruth!"
Yes, dear lit loves, all these responses were actually sent in response to my query by various literary agents working in publishing today. It's a riot! I do take solace in the fact that two literary agents are seriously considering not just my query, but also my book proposal and manuscript. Also, four editors from major publishing imprints have expressed interest in my projects (books) once I sercure a literary agent. And finally, one small press is actively considering publishing one of my manuscripts even if I do not have a literary agent. Damn! Thank God they don't hold it against me that I have not yet secured literary representation!
Ya'll have fun now, ya hear?! By the way, I am currently reading The Madwoman in the Volvo: My Year of Raging Hormones by Sandra Tsing Log and doubling over hysterically laughing while reading this memoir at two in the morning. Cheers!
Truly,
Grace (Amy)
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