Review: Heads In Beds by Jacob Tomsky

Dear Literary Loves,
I think all the literary agents flew to Germany for The 2013 Frandfurt Book Festival because I haven't heard from one this week; however, on the bright side, four publishers now have my next manuscript entitled Where The Hell Is My Yellow Brick Road?!  So in the middle of sending doc. files of my manuscript to publishers, I picked up Heads In Beds by Jacob Tomsky.  Lord, this book reads like a front desk clerk's manifesto on managing hotel properties and owners.  First, I don't think the author really planned to spend his life in the hotel industry.  Like a lot of people he just tried to bloom where planted.  Thankfully, he starts out in New Orleans and the south where people generally inquire as to your health and don't slam doors in your face ( I'm looking at you Boston).  He gets his first start as a parking attendant which also leads to a whole level of craziness outside the hotel.  Cars getting mismanaged, stopped on a dime, dinged, and finally two parking attendants take a rumble in the parking lot of the hotel.  Damn.  I always like the parking attendants as they know the city better than the city visitor's center.  Now I will be extra wary about who drives off with my car when valet parking is offered.
Next, he gets promoted to front desk attendant on the night shift which to me was the best post for him due to most of the hotel being asleep.  He also gets to take on laundry manager which was no special thrill either.  Finally, he winds up in a hotel in New York as a front desk manager and appears to be truly figuring out the system.  He now knows how to get guests to tip the bellman and utilize the bellmen; he knows how to upgrade a customer to receive a great tip; and he has learned how to cope with irate customers.  Management at this particular hotel is not fond of him and appears to want to get rid of him; however, much to my surprise and his praise, he belongs to a union which makes it next to impossible for management to fire him.  He does have a hostile outburst with management, but in my mind, rightly so.  I think they just wanted to make life hell for him so he would quit, but no, the best revenge is staying on and keeping his job.  And man can this guy tell you how to work a hotel system to your advantage.

Here is my customer manifesto to a hotel front desk staff which I developed on the back flap of this book while reading:

1)  If a parking attendant shreds any part of my car I am likely to sue because guess what?  It is the hotel's liability. 
2)  To parking attendants/valets:  Please remember to move my sit back to its original position and that is not with the driver's seat located in the back of the car.  I tip well and deserve seriously good service.
3)  I always utilize a bellman.  I especially like those that help me get my suitcase and belongings out of a taxi and up to a room.  Bonus points if the bellman is a conversationalist and inquires about where I'm from and assures me if I need anything to contact him. 
4)  I especially appreciate bellmen who manhandle any homeless person who is trying to berate me or rob me on my way back to my hotel.  (I'm looking at you Baltimore). 
5)  If I can't arrive at the hotel on time, trust me, I will notify you. 
6)  I am never jumping up and down to stay in a hotel because I prefer my house.  There is no luxury hotel that is better than my own home.  Okay, maybe a hotel in the Caribbean with a spa, but that's about it.
7)  Honestly, if I call the front desk and inform you there are no fresh towels, please do not send someone to bang on my hotel door and deposit a laundry bag of new towels that haven't even been folded.  Next time, I'll just book a room with a washer and dryer and do my own towels thank you very much.
8)  The room attendant should never keep asking how long I am staying, when I will check-out, and also lecture me on leaving tips with her/him instead of the front desk.  They never have good things to say about the front desk staff by the way.
9)  The best hostesses, assistant managers, managers, front desk attendants, wait staff are those that know I am a repeat customer.  They give me exceptional service and I tip well.  Case closed.
10)  If you have anger management issues with hotel management I would highly suggest finding a good gym membership because it's so much better than getting fired or worse, having a stroke due to all the stress a boss can throw your way. 

Bon Voyage!
Grace (Amy)