Dear Lit Loves,
Wow! Here we are on January 1st, 2014! Naturally, I spent my holidays reading away in my office, at the library, at a cafe table in Barnes & Noble, and underneath my Christmas tree when it was not being occupied by my two cats, Romeo and Chewie. I like books that tackle tough issues. I've never been shy when it comes to drama. This is evidenced by my stylist recently asking me while snipping away at my pixie cut what I saw in terms of movies over the holidays and what movies I was planning to see. "Well, I'm jumping up and down to see August: Osage County starring Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep!" I say emphatically about to jump out of the salon chair. My stylist asks me what the movie is about and I tell her "Family DRAMA! I Can't Wait!" I squeal as I try to decide whether I want red highlights. Naturally, there's always a sourpuss in the building because the woman who is under the dryer in the suite having her color done says, "Well, it definitely ain't no comedy, that's for sure!" I was downright horrified. "What's wrong with drama?!" I ask. "Can't take the heat? the quarrels? the knock-down, drag out verbal altercations?" I ask. I mean, really, who was she to get all up in my business anyway! I love drama! Drama sells honey, where the heck have you been living? (Miss Comedy Central never uttered another word). My stylist and I are interested in seeing drama involving families cause Lord knows, we've done a few rounds in the ring with our families. In the meantime, I tell my stylist about this book I'm reading now entitled Knocking On Heaven's Door by Katy Butler. "Girl, it's a heavy read and I can only do about three chapters at a time, but damn, this is stuff we all gotta deal with one way or another!" I say in my most dead serious manner.
So, are we overtreating the elderly in our society today? When we discuss with our parents the concept of going ahead with that pacemaker insertion surgery or whether to try that fifth cocktail of chemotherapy, are we thinking about how that may impact their quality of life the day after not to mention several years down the line? Do our parents have a living will? Do they want to be resuscitated if they are in severe cognitive and bodily decline? Most families tend to avoid these discussions. And caregiving tends to fall to the daughter(s) in the family. Do you know where your or your parents' primary care doctor stands on "DNR" ( do not resuscitate) policies? For that matter, where do YOU stand on do not resuscitate policies? And did you know that if you desire hospice or palliative care for yourself or a family member, you better have not only thought about what qualifies as compassionate care, but also have filled out documents known as advanced directives. Ms. Butler was given a crash course in caring for parents in a Fast Medicine/Do Everything Under The Sun To Save The Patient world when her father had a stroke in 2001. Her father was not the same man. He had trouble with his speech and gait; he had already lost a hand during a war. Her mother became his chief caregiver day and night. When her father was advised by doctors to have hernia surgery he also went for cardiac tests to determine if he could handle the surgery. He was told he needed a pacemaker and he got one, but no one told him or anyone else in the family that the pacemaker might outlast the term of living remaining for her dad. Meanwhile, her mother is helping the dad eat, bathe, brush his teeth, get dressed, and answering the same questions he asks her multiple times a day. The father even told Katy one day that he felt he was living too long. Katy Butler is the sibling that flies back and forth from the west coast to the east coast to try and help her mother who is slowly collapsing from the stress of caregiving. Her brothers remain largely absent in this process. It's left up to the children to help their mother find outside sources of care that can give their mother a break from the highly demanding responsibility of caring for their debilitated father. And did you know that if your father has a second or third catastrophic stroke, you and your living parent might have to prove to a doctor or hospital bioethics administrator that it's time to allow your father to die peacefully; you might have to prove that your father's quality of life is being hindered by the actual pacemaker inserted to keep him living in order to get him hospice or palliative care. It's mind boggling when you stop and really think about what it means to die peacefully.
Our medical personnel and institutions in this country are adamant about trying every conceivable procedure, test, medicine, and Hail Mary last resort in order to save someone when what might be the best for the patient is to allow him/her the privilege of dying in a peaceful, compassionate manner. Sometimes that means hospice and palliative care. Oftentimes though, people die in Intensive Care Units that cost $300,00 a week to maintain life-sustaining technologies when absolutely nothing in the Intensive Care Unit and no drug or operation is ever truly going to allow that person to live in a meaningful way ever again or rise from a patient bed and be the dignified, personable individual you once knew.
This is a timely read. Death is inevitable. It's time to think about how you wish to spend your remaining time on earth if God forbid something catastrophic happens, and more importantly, it's time to ask our parents how they wish to spend their final days in the here and now before they step from this world into the next. Have you thought about it? Because I can personally tell you that life threatening illness and catastrophe can and does happen in the blink of an eye. Best be ready.
Till my next read or update,
Grace (Amy)
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