Dear Literary Loves,
Well, my brother always says I write my best when I write unfiltered so here goes. I just want acquisition editors, publicists, literary agents, and sales departments to know why your profits are down and tomorrow is not looking good either. Here's the thing: You are not publishing quality material. This Generation Xer buys the most books from the memoir genre and I haven't bought half of the number I would normally purchase. I don't purchase celebrity memoirs because those folks make too much money anyway. I read recently (because it's in my latest book proposal) that female Generation Xers buy the most books of the entire reading population. And obviously we are not happy with the selection on the shelves at Barnes & Noble. Profits are down, sales figures are down from where they were this time last year, and God save Barnes & Noble from bankruptcy or having to sell the whole kit n'kaboodle because really folks, it's not their fault. And here is why I am not buying any books currently on the market in the memoir genre:
1) I'm tired of dating memoirs; if I want a really good romance I will go find the Harlequin section. Otherwise, I could care less about the Generation Y's dating exploits. I'm over the thirty days of dating and the writing about your adventures of online dating. This is trendy stuff folks.
2) If I see another weight loss memoir I may drive myself straight to Burger King and order an extra large combo meal. Didn't you know that deprivation is the root of all evil? Well, I am here to tell you that every now and again, you should reward yourself. Food is not the enemy. It's a matter of self-control; calories in versus calories out or at least that's what I learned in high school health class.
3) I am so not interested in kitchen meltdowns or foodie memoirs. I picked up one to peruse at Barnes & Noble hoping for the best and could not get through the first five pages. Didn't your literary agent tell you that it's all about the first ten pages? You've got to grab me from the beginning! And frankly, I think some of you should just order your Thanksgiving meals from The Honey Baked Ham store for crying out loud. Stop stressing about it. The holidays will be much happier, trust me on this.
4) I actually get ticked off when I see a memoir about someone from Boston or New York that moves from the big city to the country only to discover: it's not a bed of roses! You can't find a Bloomingdale's?! You've got to get your hands dirty?! You can't wear your five inch heels without sinking in the mud...........well, damn, go cry a river in someone else's yard not mine. I grew up on a farm. Some of you could use a decade on a farm just to get over your pretentious selves. People might like you more too. Bloom Where You Are Planted!
5) Publishing houses who display memoirs from 2006 as the best memoir yet. Could you join us in 2013 folks? We're waiting, but we are not patient so get with the program or get out of the business. Are you really so certain that you're publishing what we Generation Xers care about? Let's be real now?!
6) Publishing houses with rude editorial departments. I'm serious. As a new author I have had it up to my almost detached retinas with no responses to emails; it's just rude people. And if you think I am going to help your bottom line when you've been treating new writers/debut authors like dirt, think twice. I review memoirs, I have writer friends, book clubs are right up my alley, and hell, I'm a former English teacher! I've seen enough rude, juvenile behavior to last me nine lifetimes! And courtesy doesn't cost a dime does it?! Imagine that!
What Do I Rcommend For This Crisis: GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK! Find a new author like myself with a darn good yarn and an eccentric family, look for stories that are quality not vulgarity, find manuscripts that grab you from the first ten pages, and for heaven's sake, if you work in publishing, be a publishing mentor, not a jerk.
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